The reason so many guys do what they do is because we let them. Contemplate for a moment that throughout history, and until very, very recently, the "value" of a woman was mostly determined by her desirability to men. If men stop looking, catcalling, grabbing, groping, trying to get inside our pants....it must mean we're ugly and in some bizarre alternate Universe, we're therefore "useless".
So you have eons of guys that did what they pleased, and we had no choice but to tolerate it. Even the feminists of the 60s, the ERA, bra burning Birkenstock wearing marchers of that time, they tolerated (and in some cases still do) far more of the '"sameoldthing". So, its really only the last maybe 20 years or so that some of that "could" have changed, but along came the Internet, Cable TV in a huge scale, Netflix YouTube etc.
Suddenly, there was a whole new way to feel like a useless woman because obviously most of what we see in the various media forms are the most attractive people on the planet. So, you compare yourself to other women, the competition is huge, your spirits are challenged in thinking that the only way to do well in that regard, is to be "popular". And especially popular with the guys.
So, if ChickieA won't put out at the drop of a hat....ChickieB certainly will. The guys know this, so they jump from one to another and won't spend more than 5 minutes often, because they next woman might.
And part of it is the still expanding "liberation" of female sexuality. Less double standards to some extent, less social stigma, certainly a level of wealth and having an easy life means.....they all want to be the next Paris Hilton, Kardashian, rap star, booty dancing twerking chick....part of which is being popular online and having a social media presence, which ties into being popular with the guys, which means you have to put out or you're not part of the "in crowd" and we are right back to.....your value as a woman just went down.
Society does a great job of fucking a lot of things up.
ReplyDeleteI consider myself lucky to have had some very important formative years during that small pocket in the 90's where briefly, everything changed. My generation entered the age of dating in the immediate aftermath of the multi-million dollar sexual harassment lawsuits, one of which fell upon my community's school district. The end result was a strange reversal that empowered girls in a certain way for the first time I had seen. A good amount of mass media and artistic expression mirrored this.
This also coincided with the rise of the sensitive male. Being that I would rather be kind than "cool," I was able to allow myself to be someone that thinks and feels... rather than just acts.
In an odd way this shaped how I viewed and approached women. The institutional reaction in my community made it standard to respect (and even fear) women. The acceptance of feelings led me to cherish and adore them.
Sadly this era seemed to pass far too quickly, with much of the mainstream feminist movement being shoved aside for things that could be mass produced in shiny packaging.
I still linger in those older ideals... where I see women as stronger yet gentler beings. They are the ones strong enough to accept my flawed self. They are the gatekeepers of sex and it is up to the others to earn passage. Things just feel right this way.
Take care.
That was a fantastic bit of insight into the experiences of a male growing up here in on era. I really appreciate your taking the time to write it.
ReplyDeleteAnd you are correct on the "shiny" objects observation. We fought since the dawn of time for equal opportunities, and once near parity was achieved, half the women are distracted by a shiny bauble....which reinforces the stance of the misogynists that we're all airheads. Not the direction we want. Thanks again. :)
Thank you. It was an odd era to live through... the one time I can think of where asking permission to kiss a woman was actually kind of expected... although there was an odd double-standard placed on men... you were supposed to do it, but it was also seen as unattractive and lacking in confidence. I still ask for permission for the first kiss.
DeleteThe scary part of the shiny bauble is that it wasn't just directed at women. The music industry was collapsing after they found they were unable to manufacture artists to rival the self-made independent and often politically aware bands that had risen to power from 1991-1997... and eventually they were toppled by corporate creations like the Spice Girls, Backstreet Boys, rap metal, etc. ensuring that everyone must be either pretty or angry if they wished to hold the spotlight.
I agree about the music. It painful to me when I hear young black people talk about how great Kanye is.
ReplyDeleteSade?
Anita Baker?
Lionel Ritchie?
Michael Jackson?
Aretha Franklin?
Marvin Gaye?
The list is long of really talented people that wrote songs, could actually sing, read music, played musical instruments are were...what's the term I'm looking for here.....musicians. :)
Indeed. Actual talent is always far superior to a pretty face and auto-tune.
DeleteThe reason that I referenced media is that I believe that what we immerse ourselves in as teens plays a very large part in the views we carry into adulthood. Sometimes those influences are positive... other times... not so much.
During my formative years I "grew up" with a lot of feminists who were making their way up through the ranks. It was an absolute pleasure to watch them grow from independent, globally aware, and free thinking 17-year olds into career driven, focused 24-year olds that didn't require male approval for self-esteem or confidence. It might seem silly in some ways but musicians like Ani DiFranco and even TV shows like Ally McBeal played a very large part in who they became later on. Be smart... be strong... be interesting... that was a much greater message than be pretty... put out... etc.
A self-assured, confident woman is intimidatingly beautiful and I could never picture treating her with anything other than the utmost respect and care. I can't help but feel lucky sometimes that I turned out that way.
Pity the feminist movement stagnated. It seems to me that they decided their only objective was salaries and getting Hillary into the White House.
ReplyDeleteWhat about other types of equality? What about the fact that men can go shirtless in public, and I can't. I have less rights than men. I'm a second class citizen, because I have less rights than men.
And true equality right? Why is it that no women are advocating for equal pay for men in strip clubs?
I consider myself a humanitarian in that I'm trying to promote equality between all. Our society became too fractured with all the special interest groups. Those groups started out with good intentions and they did achieve some results, but I don't think the "feminist movement", or the NAACP, or innumerable other groups are any longer fighting for true equality, but rather preferential treatment or status.
So for me, its rather disappointing. But, there is always hope for the future. :)
Equality is an odd, odd egg. I for one would be a fan of striking old and non-applicable laws from the books. Unfortunately, it's still 1955 (or earlier) in large parts of this country and most politicians will favor their continued careers over risking something unpopular. I'm pretty certain that as a minority, there are still states where it would be against the law to have sex with someone from a different race. Until the bible belt and states falling south of the Mason-Dixon line decide to evolve with the rest of the world it tends to freeze or severely encumber progress.
DeleteI used to have a lot of discussions about equality. I think much of equality requires equal opportunity and equal starting points. If every baby was taken from parents at birth and raised in a standardized governmental institution, this would grant a truly equal ground floor. However, the end result is a meritocracy as those most capable separate themselves from the pack, which is actually severely unequal :)
Many of our societal "adjustments" are guilt-based compensations for wrongs of the past. Sometimes they work in favor of the people... but in general they only ever benefit "some" people. I think it is awful that women have less rights than men in any way. About the only legal advantages that I can think of come in the form of quotas or law enforcement bias during domestic abuse (I believe I read that 97% of domestic arrests are of men even if they are not the aggressor).
Special interest groups are why I abandoned my efforts at being politically active. The liberal front cannot decide upon what they want to champion. Environment. Race. Gender. Human rights. Animal rights. Foreign policy. Both the differing views and intensity of beliefs seem to keep everyone divided and weaker. No one wants to compromise, which is admirable in its own right, but I'm way too fucking cynical to believe that major change is the only way to lead to successful change. It's much easier for the masses to swallow small bites at a time. For supposedly being open-minded, I've been confronted with a huge number of "your liberal is different from my liberal" idealists. Whenever a group finds themselves feeling that being exclusive is better than inclusive... that is a sign that whatever message they hoped to carry is currently failing.
The problem is that those fractured groups run into the united front of Conservativism. Rarely do you find a lot of disagreement on that side of the coin. Even if they disagree on radical views, they can always compromise enough to meet true opposition head on. This is how states ban evolution. This is how states pass laws permitting discrimination based upon religious views and sexuality.
I don't really have a point in all this I guess :)
I do want to say that I see you as an amazing woman that is deeply worthy of respect, rights, and everything that goes along with it.
If I ever manage to become a tribal warlord in the post-apocalyptic wasteland, I would ensure that you would never have fewer rights than any man :)
Georgia Woman Sues Over City Sex Toy Ban: http://reason.com/blog/2014/05/16/lawsuit-over-city-sex-toy-ordinance
ReplyDeleteFor me one of the key points you hit on is "opportunity". Not a government assured life of anything and everything you want. But the chance to at least try.
I know this guy that says that since the civil rights movement things are equal between blacks and white. I'm just stunned....inequality in prison sentencing? Centuries of property kicked from one generation to the next that black people can't do because...they weren't allowed to own property. The disparity in schools between urban and rural areas, based on the way taxes are used to fund the schools. Lack of medical care, "food deserts" in the middle of cities with millions of people. Police harassment and abuse. Endless examples...
I was born poor and worked hard and have done well. It would not have gone as well if I was a genetically predisposed adipose laden black female. No way...
Life isn't fair and we can take the winner takes all mentality, the Only the Strong Survive attitude of our Neanderthal predecessors, or we can act like compassionate human beings with some sympathy for those that were born with less "gifts" (monetary, genetic, bigger brains, no disabilities etc.)some benevolence and altruism and civility...or act like barbarians.
I hate typing in this little tiny box, lol.
Thank you for the interesting conversation....I enjoy it, and for the compliment. :)
It has been enjoyable conversation :)
DeleteIt isn't often that I'm able to discuss things on this level.
I agree with everything you said here. Being able to see and understand the systems and cycles that exist and perpetuate opportunities isn't very common nowadays.
I don't remember when exactly, but at some point I stopped really looking for solutions and mostly just developed "anti-beliefs" where I could rip apart what others spouted out of ignorance. e.g. someone claiming that a poor inner-city black male from a single parent household had the same opportunities as an upper-middle class suburban white male (think the "bootstraps" line that was popular 15-20 years ago).
I honestly believe that racial tension has reached such a public peak that we are probably going to see another race riot within two years.
I had my psyche shattered through abuse and hatred at a young age... to the point where I didn't expect to live to see 25. While I had a number of genetic gifts and later on some opportunities... no one ever cared if I was happy or had a sense of self-worth. That still gives me guilt, but I do not ever try to ignore or gloss over the situations of those who were born with less.
It is kind of odd that I live in one of the few mid-western states that consistently votes democrat, yet we have some of the most archaic and restrictive laws on our books due to being founded by a strict religious background that believed in the old-testament God more than the new one. Our booze laws (sales days/times/quantities), car laws (restrictions on just about everything), etc. make it seem stuffy. I know we also have enough laws on the books where pretty much any kind of sex besides married heterosexual missionary style sex is illegal. Yet somehow we end up not having our heads too far up our asses, although that is still a chronic problem, even if it's just the tip :P
I'm always amused by people in the US that think the "left-right" or Dem-GOP stances have been fixed since our nation began. Now, Dems are the "friend" of the minorities. But it was good old conservative Southern Baptist Democrat types that were the oppressive ones and slave owners etc. The GOP was more open minded at one point, and now those roles have mostly shifted.
ReplyDeleteRegarding outdated sex laws, yes they are still on the "books" but have mostly been superseded by "Lawrence versus Texas" as of maybe 12 to 15 years ago. Few seem to know this....even in law enforcement. And it is true that they almost never remove laws from the books, they just keep adding more. Every once in awhile something will pop up in the news like....maybe in Texas (minus federal law) its still more of a crime to steal a horse than it is to shoot the Sheriff, or something like that.
Guilt? Its the "gift" that keeps on giving, lol. It never stops and likes to rear its ugly head for the rest of our lives. Still, at least understanding why its there, even though its often misplaced and unjustified, helps a bit. Your childhood sounds a bit like mine...mores the pity. )