Another day....of Planet Earth Insanity. :)

 Ah yes, a classic... "Condom Corsage"? 

Might make a nice gift for....SlutLips.  :) 

 

You mean...the same as now?  :) 

(Following Found Online.) 

Today I Fucked Up Buying KY at Walmart. 

Their new anti-theft policy requires dramatic public humiliation and shaming when buying any sex-related products, leading me to never shop at Walmart ever again. 

I went to Walmart to pick up some stuff. First item on my list: bottle of the ol’ faithful KY Jelly. I walked into the pharmacy section to find all of that “paraphernalia” is now locked in a glass box. I stood there in disbelief. I have to ASK for access to slip-n-slide now?! Am I 14 again? Seriously?! I was about to walk off, not wanting to ASK a stranger to unlock the box. I mean, vegetable oil is cheaper anyway right?

But then a female employee just happened to walk by and ask if I needed the box opened. I sheepishly nodded my head yes, trying not to make any noise that would attract unwanted attention from the 20 people in the pharmacy line. So out of her pocket comes the loudest keychain full of keys I’ve ever heard. People in the toy section turned to see what the noise was and then made their kids look away. Everyone in pharmacy turned and looked at me like “oh Karen, look at that fat creepy guy who is too good to buy Jergens like normal people.” So as she’s unlocking the box, she bangs those keys all over the glass, making even more noise as she opens the door.

In haste to get out of the situation as fast as possible, I reach in and grab my preferred sex jelly product and turned to leave — she yells at me — with everyone watching — “EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO CARRY THAT TO THE FRONT FOR YOU.”

Seriously? Please tell me no. Shampoo is starting to feel like a reasonable option at this point. So she grabs it out of my hand and starts walking. I won’t have to shake the bottle, because this very energetic woman, 4 foot 11 fireball, is dramatically waving hello at EVERY SINGLE fellow employee with my tug goo in her hand. Meanwhile, I try to invisibility walk 5 paces behind her.

Once my creep-walk journey was finally at the front of the store, this woman led me past all the other customers, and hands the jerk jelly to the manager on duty, pointed at me and said in the loudest socially acceptable voice for someone watching a playoff football game: “THIS is for THIS man!” And pointed at me.

The Manager on duty, yet another woman in my life that silently judges me, started walking without making eye contact, and says “come this way”. Well, I had planned to do that. But after this public Walmart humiliation, I’m not sure I can muster the concentration to make this purchase necessary.

We made our way to self checkout as she held the bottle with two fingers in an outstretched arm like a dirty diaper. That’s when I realized — with all the unbelievable embarrassing display of following the hand-waver to the front — I didn’t get anything else on my list. My hand basket was completely empty. So my entire purchase was KY Jelly. The lady looked at me and said “Is this all you needed?”

“Well, yes, because I left my dignity back in pharmacy.” And THAT is the story of my last Walmart purchase ever.

 

 

A Guy Proposes to his Cheerleader Girlfriend.

                                  

Its like his gorilla buddies...double dared him.