Turning the tables: Photographer gave sexist ads a makeover to show how oppressive they are.

Yea, so how do you like it now boys?

Huh?

How do you like it in reverse?

Wait...what?

You do like it?

Perverts.  :)

 

Holy Heated HotWife Cockman!

Hotwife Anklets.   

 

 

 

These are hot.

 

Not hot due to his unflappable attitude.

 

Seems rather...heated.

 

 

He's Hot!  :)

Submitted without comment.

Former Senator Bob Dole (94) was recently awarded the Congressional Gold Medal. In 1945, while engaged in combat Dole was wounded by German machine gun fire, being hit in his upper back and right arm. When fellow soldiers saw the extent of his injuries, all they thought they could do was to "give him the largest dose of morphine they dared and write an 'M' for 'morphine' on his forehead in his own blood, so nobody else who found him would give him a second, fatal dose.

 

(I respect "real" Republicans.)

 

 

 

Honor?

Chivalry?

Compassion?

Women and children...first?

 

 

 

 

In South Dakota, GOP Lawmaker Calls For Segregating People By Religion.

 

 

 

 

Stormy Daniels Claimed She Spanked Donald Trump With a Forbes Magazine.

Stupid ass neophyte freaks!

 

Everyone knows magazines with glossy covers just slide right off.  :)

 

 

 

I'm Thinking Of Changing My "Career Title".

 I'm thinking of changing my career title to...

#PenisPuppetry

#DickManipulation

#CockWhisperer 

#ScrotumDeflater 

 

#Puppetatrix?

#Deflatatrix?  

 :)

 

They argued prostitution is a constitutional right. Nice try, said federal court.

This one particular comment by this incredibly dumb-ass judge just stuns me:  

 

“There is no constitutional rights to engage in illegal employment, namely, prostitution,”

Judge Jane A. Restani wrote for the three-judge panel.

 

Its "illegal" because courts ruled it "illegal". Would she have the same opinion if it were at a time when it was "illegal" for women to work outside the home, to be nurses, teachers or...."judges"?

 

The irony here is painful, and that she doesn't get it, makes me think this is one particular female judge who should be...at home, barefoot and pregnant. This is some Saudi Arabia type of nonsense. You can't do it because its illegal, because we say its illegal, because it offends our religious "values", and even if you don't adhere to our religious ideology, its still illegal because we have deemed it to be....illegal. If your "Constitutional rights" don't cover what you want to do with your own body...what the fuck good are they?   :)

 

 

YES! Just say...Yes! :)

Inside the wildest night club on the planet – New York’s ‘House of Yes’ where everything from pole dancing competitions to ‘spanking stations’ is encouraged. 

House of Yes: Queens - United States.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm not wearing pants!  :)

 

Lubricating Master Bater? Master Bation? Masturbation?

Handmade full body creamy lotion, made with only the cleanest and purest ingredients, all of which I personally selected. This lotion is great for making all of your skin soft, except for the parts you want "hard". I'm calling it "Whipped" because it actually is whipped, plus...its dedicated to all the whipped submissive men like cuckolds, sissies, etc. There is a large. There is a medium.

I almost made a small...for little dicked cuckolds...

 But they don't sell eye droppers in bulk. :)

20 ounce plastic spouted top bottle containing a blend of Distilled water, organic Shea butter, Coca butter, Coconut oil, Emulsifying wax, Stearic acid, Linatural, Vegetable Glycerin, and Citric acid, with its own very subtle Cocoa scent. No other additives, dyes or fillers are added.  

 

 

12 ounces with a flip top bottle containing a blend of Distilled water, organic Shea butter, Emulsifying wax, Stearic acid, Linatural, Vegetable Glycerin, Citric acid, plus Sandalwood essential oil for aroma. No other additives, dyes or fillers were added.

 

 

 

Male Masturbation Slang Terms

A A date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 slut daughters Abusing the usual suspect Adjusting the antenna Adjusting your set Aiding and abetting a known felon Angry fist action Anointing the Beloved Answer the Bone-A-Phone Answering Ascarias Answering the Bone-A-Phone Applying the hand brake Arguing with Henry Longfellow Arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel Arm-wrestling the purple-headed stormtrooper Asking for a second opinion (your second head) Assault on a Friendly Weapon Attack the one-eyed purple-headed warrior Attending to the throb knob needs Auditioning the hand puppet Auditioning your finger puppets Backstroke Roulette Badgering the witness Baiting your hook Ball off Ball slappin' fun Bang the Bishop Bangin' your bacon Banging one out Banging the Cyclops Baptizing Bethesda Baptizing John Baptizing the Ball sack Barking up the wrong tree Bash the bishop Bash The Candle Bashing the Bishop Bashing the candle Bashing the pear Basting the ham Batting Practice Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger Be your own best friend Beat Off Beat the bologna Beat the pud Beat up your date Beat your hog Beatin' Bobby Beating Baal Beating Bob and the twins Beating Jack Beating off Beating the Altar Boy Beating the Bait Beating the balloon Beating the balogna Beating the beagle Beating the bed flute Beating the Bishop Beating the Dummy Beating the fuck out of your best friend Beating the goat Beating the old man Beating the pud Beating the shit out of your incapacitated midget Beating the Snake Beating the snot outta Rotney Beating the snotty end of my fuck stick Beating the stick Beating your Meat Beef tips stroking off Beef-stroke-it-off Being a virtuoso of the skin flute Being rough with the sex stick Being your Own Best Friend Belaboring the obvious Belt your hog Biblical Bending Biffing off Big date with Rosy Palms Bleed the lizard bleed the serpent Bleed the Weed Bleeding the weed Blessed Relief Blessing the alter boy Blow Your Load Blow your own horn Blowing your load Blowing your own horn Bludgeon the Beefsteak Blueball baseball Blue-ball buster Bobbing your boloney Bonging your shlong Booting up the hard drive Bop the Bald Bishop until he Barfs Bop the bishop Bop the boa Bop the bonzo Boppin' your Bologna Bopping Richard Bopping the baloney Bopping the bishop Bopping the Bonzo Bouncing the bunny Bowing to Mecca Box the Jesuit Box with Richard Boxing Oscar Boxing Oscar in the closet Boxing the bald champ Boxing the clown Boxing the Jesuit Boxing the Jesuit and getting cockroaches Boxing the one-eyed clown Boxing the trouser mouse Boxing with Richard Breaking the 11th Commandment Breaking the fish tank Brushing up on your typing skills Buckin' it Buffin' the bishop Buffing my wand Buffing the Banana Buffing the pickle Buffing the rifle Buffing the wood Buffing your nuts Bugger your hand Building upper-body strength Bunning your hot dog Burning off a few calories Burp the baby Burping the Bishop Burping the Worm Bust a nut Busting a nut Butter the Lobster Butter Your Corn Buttering your corn Cajun clown fucking Calling All Cum Calling Down For More Mayo Calling genie Calling in the National Guard to assist you in a strategic crisis Calling in the secret service Caning the vandal Caping the crusader Captain Jack (personified) Capturing the bishop Carrying Weight Cast off Casting off Caulking the cracks Causing Sidartha to Barfa Chafe the Chapel Chafing The Carrot Chafing the Chalice Chafing the weasel Change Gears Changing your oil Charm the cobra Charm the snake Charming the cobra Charming the one-eyed trouser snake Charming the snake Chase the Weasel Cheap date Cheating on your other hand Check for testicular cancer Checking the plumbing Cheese off Cheesing off Chicken milking Chilling the dill Chisel The Carrot Choaking Charlie 'till He Throws Up Choke Kojak Choke the Bishop Choke the chicken Choke the Serriff and Wait for the Posse to Come Choke your Chicken Choking Charlie 'till he throws up Choking Kojak Choking the bald guy until he pukes Choking the chicken Choking the hog Choking the pirate Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come Choking your chicken Choking yourself into emission Chopping down Chucking one in the sink Chucking the yogurt Churning Sacrilege Churning your butter Civil War Clamping the pipe Clean the Pipes Clean your Rifle Cleaning out your account Cleaning out your Rope Cleaning the pipes Cleaning the walls after an accident involving the Milk Man and the Cyclops Cleaning your rifle Clear the snorkel Clearing the snorkel Climb the tree Climbin' the tree Climbing Mount Baldy Climbing Mt. Barbell (for guys with pierced dicks) Climbing the corporate ladder Clobbering the bad guy Clobbering the Kleenex Closet Frisbee Clubbing Eddy Clubbing the baby seal Clubbing the clam Clubbing the dolphin Clubbing the dummy Coating Prince William Sound with love oil Coax the cajones Cocking the rifle Collecting a specimen Combing the hair on Coming into your own Coming to grips with the situation Coming to grips with yourself Committing mass spermicide Communing with nature Consulting with your silent partner Cooking the cream of cock Cooking with Wong Corral your tadpole Corralling the tadpoles Couch Hockey for One Cough your filthy yogurt Coveting the centerfold Cracking one off Crank the love pump Crank the Shank Crank yanking Cranking Cranking For Cum Cranking one off Cranking the love pump Cranking the monkey Cranking the shank Creaming the banana Crimp the wire Crimping the wire Crossing Yourself Crown the King Crowning the king Crowning your thorn Crushing pop cans in the dark Cuddle the kielbasa Cuff the carrot Cuff the governor Cuffing the carrot Cuffing the dummy Cuffing the Puppy Cum The Scum Custer's Last Stand Daisy-chaining Dancing in the dragon's fiery breath Dancing round the maypole Dancing the two-fisted tango Dancing with Johnnie One-Eye Dancing with the one-eyed sailor Date Miss Michigan Date Mother Palm Date Mother Palm and Her Five Daughters Date Mrs. Palmer Date Rosie Palm Date with Rosy Palms Dating Miss Michigan (think geography) Dating Mother Palm and her five daughters Dating Rosie Palm and her five sisters Debugging the hard drive Decongesting the weasel Defrosting the fridge Detoxifying the puppy Devil's Handshake (Catholic School) Dick Off Dick whacking Diddle Diddle the Diocese Diddle the Discordian Diddle whacking Diddle yourself Diddling Digging for change Digital penile oscillation Digitally oscillating one's penis Discharging the heat-seeking moisture missile Disciplining the primate Discovering your own potential Dishonorable Discharge Disrobing Jobe Disseminating Distributing free literature Do handiwork Do it your way Do the Dew Do the janitor thing Do the white knuckler Doddle Whacking Dogger Bank Doin' a loner with your boner Doin' the solitary rhumba Doing a hand job Doing an impression of Goofy Doing battle with the Purple-Helmeted Warrior of Love Doing handiwork Doing it your way Doing the five-knuckle shuffle Doing the hand jive Doing the hand-cooter Doing the human version of AUTOEXEC.BAT Doing the janitor thing Doing the knuckle shuffle on your piss pump Doing the plotkin Doing the pork sword jiggle Doing the sin of Onan Doing the White Knuckler Doing what the priest taught me Doing your homework Doing your own thing Dong flogging Doodle Your Noodle Downing at the club (for members only) Downing the pitcher Drain the Dragon Drain the Monster Drain the Vein Draining the dragon Draining the lizard Draining the main vein Draining the monster Draining the one-eyed monster Draining the poisons from the building Draining the vats Draining the vein Drip the pickle Dripping white-hot coconuts from the veiny palm tree of lust Driving the skin bus Drop off a load Droppin' a wad of hot wax Dropping A Line Dropping a line Dropping Stomach Pancakes Dropping the kids off at the pool Drubbing the dolphin Dry humping the ottoman Duking the Bishop Dundering the devil-dolphin Dunk your dolphin Eating grapes with the one-armed man Eberting Siskel Eeking Somorah (some more of) Gomorrah Electing the President Emptying your sex pistol Engage in safe sex Engaging in safe sex Erupting Ol' Faithful Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of his denim cell Evicting the testicular squatters Excorcise "it" EXCORIATE EXODUS Exercise one's right Exercising your right to privacy Falling in love with your right hand Fapping Fastening the chin strap Faxing Jimmy Dean Faxing the Pope Feed the ducks Feeding bologna to the Smurfs Feeding the chooks Feeding the ducks Feeling your way around Fertilizing the Lawn Fetch the bagel dog Fetching milk Fiddle the ferret Fiddle the flesh flute Fight your turkey Filling Charlie's magic sock Filling the grail Finding yourself Firing the flesh musket Firing the love rifle Firing the pound gun Firing the presidential staff Firing the Surgeon General Firm Your Worm Firming your worm Fishing for the two-toned trouser trout Fishing for zipper trout Fishing with dynamite Fist Fuck Fist fucking Fist kabobing Fist your Mister Fisting your mister Five Against One Five Daughters Five Finger Knuckle Shuffle Five Knuckle Olympics Five knuckle shuffle on Five on one Five-Digit Shuffle Five-finger discount Five-finger solo Five-knuckle chuckle Five-knuckle-shuffle on the old piss pump Fixing the toilet Flapping Takkie (South African) Flavoring the mahtzo cracker Flaying the Emperor Flesh Twinkie Flick on over the thumb Flick your Bic Flicking the bic Fling your phallus Flip the bishop Flipping the Bishop Flipping your omelet Float potential down the Nile Flog the Dog Flog the Dolphin Flog the dong Flog the mule Flog yourself Floggin' the log Flogging the Bishop Flogging the dog Flogging the dolphin Flogging the dong Flogging the egg man Flogging the frog Flogging the General Flogging the hog Flogging the log Flogging the mule Flogging the salami Flogging Your Dong Flogging your dumber brother Flogging Your Log Flogging your stob Flong your dong Fluffing the pillow Flute Solo Fly fishing Flying a Kite Following my bliss Fondle a Pharisee Fondle the Fig Fondle the fundamentalist Fondle the Pharoah Fondle your flagpole Fondling the fig Fondling the fisherman Fondling the fountain Fooling with your tool for the Posse to Come Foreplay with Fistina Four-knuckle shuffle (for those who lost a finger in 'Nam) Free Willy Freeing Barrabus Freeing the hostages Freeing the Willies Freeing Willy Freeing your dick fish into the gene pool Friction therapy Frigging the Love Muscle Frigging the love muscle (British) Friggit Frosting the pastries Frosting your maple bar Froth the Creator Frying up the corndog Fuck Mary Fist Fucking a pillow Fucking Mrs. Fist, the five-fingered widow Fun with friction Gallop the Antelope Gallop the Maggot Gallop the old lizard Galloping the antelope Galloping the old lizard Ganging the plank Ganking Gardening with the golden trowel Genital stimulation via Get a date with Slick Mittens Get a hold of yourself Get the German soldier marching Get to know yourself Get your nuts off Get your pole varnished Gettin' jizzy with it Getting a date with Slick Mittens Getting a grip on things Getting a load off my mind Getting a milk mustache Getting a stiffy Getting busy Getting chafed Getting in touch with your manhood Getting In Touch With Yourself Getting off Getting tennis elbow Getting the dirty water off your chest Getting the German soldier marching Getting the glue stick Getting to know Miss Michigan Getting to Know Yourself Getting to Know Yourself Personally in the "Biblical Sense" Getting Your Caps Peeled Getting your exercise Getting' your oil checked Getting your palm read by Mister Softee Getting your palm red Getting your pole varnished Gherkin jerkin' Give your low five Givin' the one-eyed field mouse with the purple turtle-neck sweater a hot-butter nuggie Giving it a good once over Giving it a Tug Giving Ms. Palm and and her five sisters a ride on the meat train Giving the half-blind dog a Giving the John Hancock Giving the pink Mustang a lube job Giving the pink Mustang a spit shine Giving the seamen shore leave Giving your employee a raise Giving yourself a dishonorable discharge Giving yourself a hand Giving yourself a happy ending Giving yourself a helping hand Giving yourself a low five Glazing the donut Gluing the lady's eye's shut Go a couple of rounds with ol' Josh Go blind Go on a date with Fisty Palmer Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela Go the blow Going a couple of rounds with ol' Josh Going blind Going for the gold Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader's head Going into battle with the purple-helmeted warrior Going on a date with Handrea and Palmela Going on a date with Rosey Palm and the five daughters Going on Peewee's little adventure Going steady with my bouncing Betty Going the blow Going to the basement Goose the gherkin Grappling the gorilla Grease the axle Grease the Grail Grease the Pipe Grease the sprocket Greasin' up my love monkey Greasing the axle Greasing the flagpole Greasing the monkey Greasing the pipe Greasing the three-legged cow Greasing your Bone Grip your dip Gripping the pencil Grooming your junior Grope the Gregorian Hack the Hog Hailing the heavens hair on my palms?" (sung tunefully) Ham Shank Han Solo Hand dancing Hand jive Hand job Hand Shandy Hand Solo Hand to Gland Combat Hand to hand combat with the purple helmeted warrior Hand Work Handling heavy equipment Handling the hound Hands on Training Hand-starting the one-eyed yogurt thrower Hand-to-gland combat Handy work Hanging judas til he pukes pennies Hanging out with Peter Tork Hanging the old man Hard labor Harping on Happy Harry Hard-on Hatchin' a batch Have it Off Have One Off the Wrist Having a ball Having a Barclays Bank Having a bat Having a chuff Having a conversation with the one-eyed trouser snake Having a date with Fisty Palmer Having a date with Mrs. Thumb and her 4 daughters Having a date with Rosie Palm and her five sisters Having a ham shank Having a J. Arthur (British special, after J. Arthur Rank, it's rhyming slang) Having a one-night-stand with yourself Having a play date with your little friend Having a pull Having a puppet show in your pants Having a Roy (Australian) Having a Sherman (British) Having a staff meeting Having a tommy tank Having a tug Having a tug-of-war with the cyclops Having an arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel Having dinner Having group sex with five friends Having it off Having one off the wrist Having sex with someone you love He Throws Up Healing the leper Heating up the hot dog Heaving the heathen handhold Help Holofernes get his head off Helping Mr. Happy Hit the Ham Hitchhike Under the Big Top Hitchhiking to heaven Hitching to Heaven Hitting a homerun at a tee ball game Hitting the ham Hitting the sack Hitting the speedbump Hitting too close to home Hoisting the flag Hoisting your own petard Hold the bishop Hold the sausage hostage Holding All The Cards Holding my own Holding your own Holding Your Sausage Hostage Hone the cone Hone your Bone Honing the cone Honing your bone Honk your horn Honking the bobo Honoring St. Dick Hosing down the driveway Hotfooting it to the nearest exit Huffing on the hoagie Hug the hog Hugging the hog Hugging the sausage Hump the Halo Hump your Fist Hump your Hose Humpin' air Humping your fist Humping your hose in the bathroom tile In the hand Interrogating the witness Investing in pork bellies Invoking Babylon Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell Irking the dude Ironing some wrinkles J. Arthur Rank (British rhyming slang - wank) Jack Hammer Jack hammering Jack Off Jackin' Jackin' the Beanstalk Jackin' your meat Jacking off Jacking up the hot rod Jag Off Jam with Jah Jammin' your jimmy Jarring Jehovah Jazz Yourself Jazzing yourself Jelly Roll Jenny Mccarthy Jaunt Jerk Jamby Jerk Off Jerk the Gherkin Jerk the Johnson Jerken the gurkin Jerkin Jah Jerkin' the gherkin Jerkin' the joystick Jerkin' your beef Jerking Jamby Jerking off Jerking the apostle Jerking the Johnson Jerking the turkey Jerking yanking daisy-chaining Jibbin' Jiggle the Jewelry Jiggling your Johnson Jimmying your Joey Jizzlobbing Jogging the lizard Joining the Navy Jolting Jesus Joshing it Jostle the apostle Juggling Jesus' Jawbreakers Juggling the javelin Juice the Judas Juice the Moose Juicing the jizz monster Jumping the jock Just combing my hair Just jerkin' it Keep the census down Keeping the Optometrists in business Kick one out Kicking seamen Kicking your roommate out for five to ten minutes to "call your parents" kids through college Killing it Killing kittens Killing the Beast Killing the bird on punches Kneading my knockwurst Kneeding the bread Knock the nun Knock the Top Off Knockin' over the weeble Knocking one off Knocking the top off Knuckle nobbing Knuckle shuffle Knuckle Shuffle on the ol' piss pump Knuckling the bone Krushing Krishna Launching the Hand Shuttle Launching the morning missile Launching the rocket Laying the smack down on yourself Leakin' the Main Drain Left to your own devices Letting out the bulimic one-eyed monster Letting the cat out of the bag Lifting Lazarus Lighting the Altar Candle Lighting the lava lamp Liquidating the inventory Living by the fat of the hand Living it up Lizard milking Locking the bathroom door Look for ticks Looking for clues with Fred and Daphne Looking for ticks Loping your Mule Love the lingum Love the Muppet Love's labors lost Loving the lizard Loving the muppet Lubing the tube LUBRICATE LEVITICUS Lubricating the love monkey Lynching the one-eyed monster Make a foreskin cone Make instant pudding Make like Hans Solo and stroke your wookie Make the bald man puke Makin' gravy for the biscuit Makin' mary magdalene's gum ointment Makin' moonshine Making a cash withdrawal Making a fist sandwich Making a foreskin cone Making a knuckle hot dog Making Baby Jesus Cry Making chowder with sailor Ned Making free hand lotion Making friends with Big Ed Making instant pudding Making it up as you go along Making magic with leftovers Making Nut Butter Making soup Making soup for one Making special sauce with frank and beans Making the Bald Guy Puke Making the bald man cry Making the bread rise Making the camel spit Making the Cyclops cry Making the cyclops do chin-ups 'til he throws up Making the llama spit Making the piggy squeal Making the scene with the magazine Making the world safe for democracy Making vanilla jism shakes Making with the tadpoles Making Yogurt Making yourself at home Mangle the Midget Mangle the One-eyed Monk Mangling Methusula Mangling Methusula Mangling the midget Manhandling the manhood Manhandling your man-handle Manipulate the Mango Manning the cockpit Manual exercise Manual labor Manual override Manual pollution Masonic Secret Self Handshake Massage your Muscle Massage your Purple-Headed Warrior Massaging Mr. Ho-Ho Massaging the mink Massaging your muscle Massaging your purple-headed warrior Master Bacon Measuring for condoms Meat with Mother Thumb and her four daughters Medical wankorama Medieval folk dancing Meeting Mary Palm and her five sisters Meeting Rosie Hancock Meeting with Mother Thumb and her four daughters Meeting with Palmala Handerson Meeting your kids Menage a moi Mess with the menorah Milk the moose Milk the self Milking Mohammed Milking one's self Milking the Bull Milking the cow Milking the Lizard Milking the lizard Milking the Monkey Milking the moose Milking the mule Milking the muscle Milking The Snake Milking the weasel Milking your wood Milkywaying Million sperm march Minding my own business Moisturizing your hands with your beauty bar Molesting the mole Moulding hot plastic Mount a corporal and four Mount the Mormon Mounting a corporal and four Much goo about nothing Muscling up My sex life! Nerk your Throbber Null the void Oil the Glove Oiling the baseball bat Oiling the glove Oiling the mighty dick hinge Oiling the pogo stick on the helmet of love Onanism Onan's Olympics One gun salute One gun salute One hand clapping One Handed Clapping One handed humpty hump love pump, The One handed rodeo, The One handed shim sham One man band One Man Show One Man Tug-O-War One off the wrist One stop shopping One-armed skiing One-handed workout One-legged race, The One-man orgy One-man ring toss One-man show One-man tug-o-war One-night-stand with yourself Opening the flood gates Opening up a bottle of Squirt Organ solo Pack your Palm Packing your palm Paddle the Pickle Paddling the pickle Pain the Walls Paint the Pews Paint the Pickle Painting the ceiling Painting the flag pole Painting the picket fence Painting the pickle Painting the walls Painting your pants Palm the calm Palming the calm Pam Anderson Polka Passing the Collection Plate Pasting pages Pat the Robertson Pattin' the puppy Paying at the turnpike Pedal and crank Pee Wee pleaser Peeing children Peel Some Chilis Peel the Banana Peel the Carrot Peeling some chilis Peeling the banana Peeling the carrot Performing a self-test Performing diagnostics on your man tool Perling the oyster Personally in the "Biblical Sense" Pet the lizard Peter beater Petting the lizard Petting the one eyed snake Petting the puppy Petting the python Petting your animal Petting Your Dog phallengetic motion Phoning the czar Pip the pumpkin Pipping the pumpkin Plaguing the locust Play a little five-on-one Play a one-stringed guitar Play five against one Play in a one-man show Play peek-a-boo Play pocket pinball Play Pocket Pool Play tag with the pink torpedo Play the organ Play the Organ Play the Piss Pipe Play the Pisser Play the Skin Flute Play the Stand-Up Organ play the upright organ Play tug-o-war with Cyclops Play Uno Play With Yourself Playin' the bone-a-thon Playin' with hardballs Playin' with yourself Playing a little five-on-one Playing a one-stringed guitar Playing a round of solitaire Playing Billy Squier on the skin flute Playing five card draw with a handful of jacks Playing five card stud Playing in a one-man show Playing it safe Playing miniature golf Playing paintball with white paint Playing peekaboo Playing peekaboo with Darth Vader Playing Peek-A-Boo with Mr. Johnson Playing ping pong with your ding dong Playing pocket pinball Playing pocket polo with Agent Johnson Playing pocket pool Playing tag with the pink torpedo Playing the crotch trombone Playing the flesh flute Playing the male organ Playing the one-handed air guitar Playing the one-stringed melody Playing the organ Playing the piss pipe Playing the pisser Playing the single-string air guitar Playing the skin flute Playing the solo symphony Playing the stand-up organ Playing tug-o-war with the cyclops Playing tug-o-war with the staked vampire 'til he flames up Playing Uno Playing With Dick Playing with my little brother Peter Playing With Susi Palmer Playing with Susi Palmer and her five friends Playing with the pogo stick Playing with the snake Playing with the spitting llama Playing with Yoosef Playing with your bird

Playing with your noodle Playing with your turtle (for uncircumcised guys) Playing with yourself Playing Yahtzee Playing Your Instrument Pleasing your pisser Pleasuring yourself Pleasure pumping plug the mellon Plugging in the toaster Plunk your Twanger Plunking your twanger Poaching the salmon Pocket billiards Pocket Pinball Pocket pool (through the clothing) Poke the pudenda in the primate Pokin' the palm Poking palm Pole vaulting Polish Percy in your palm Polish the bishop Polish the Chrome Dome Polish the family jewels Polish the Knob polish the low-quarters (military) Polish the pope polish the purple helmet Polish the Rocket Polish the rock-hard staff of St. Peter Polish the Sword polish the wand Polish your Bayonet Polish Your Gun Polish your Helmet Polish your Piece Polishing Percy in your palm Polishing the bayonet Polishing the beak Polishing the cane Polishing the chrome dome Polishing the family jewels Polishing the fire pole Polishing the helmet Polishing the hot rod Polishing the knob Polishing the Lighthouse Polishing the Pink Mustang Polishing the Pope Polishing the purple people pleaser Polishing the rocket Polishing the rocking horse Polishing the rod Polishing the sword Polishing Thor's Hammer Polishing your bayonet Polishing Your Chrome Polishing your helmet Polishing your piece Popping a nut Popping the blister Popping the bone Popping the cork Popping the Pope Popping the Porpoise Popping The Purple Pimple Popping your top Pound Off Pound Off Pound Paul's Peter Pound the bald-headed moose Pound the Proverb Pound the Pugilist Pound Your Flounder Pound Your Piss Pump Pounding off Pounding St. Peter Pounding the bald-headed moose Pounding the fence post Pounding the pud Pounding your flounder Pounding your piss pump Pounding your Pud Pouring off the potatoes Practicing for the big game Praising God Preemptive infanticide Prepare a bit of penitence Prepare the carrot Prepare the holy water Preparing the carrot Prime the Pagan Prime the pump Priming his Popeness Priming the pump Private arm exercise Prod the peepee Promoting carpal-tunnel syndrome Pud wrestling Puddin' Pudwhacking Pull Off Pull Off Pull rank Pull the bologna pony Pull the carrot Pull the goalie pull the peter Pull the Pole Pull the Pope Pull the pud Pull the Root Pull Your Lever Pull your own leg Pull Your Pud Pull your Taffy Pullin' a few rounds Pulling Coyote's Tail (native american) Pulling off Pulling pud Pulling rank Pulling the blue-veined custard chucker Pulling the blue-veined junket pumper Pulling the bologna pony Pulling the carrot Pulling the Colonel Sanders Heimleich Manuever Pulling the cord Pulling the five-knuckle shuffle Pulling the goalie Pulling the handbrake Pulling The Piss Pump Pulling the pole Pulling the Pope Pulling the pork stick Pulling the root Pulling the rope Pulling the single serving soup dispenser Pulling the weed Pulling The Wire Pulling the wire Pulling Your Goalie Pulling your love muscle Pulling your own leg Pulling your own weight Pulling your plonker Pulling your power cord Pulling your prick Pulling your pud Pulling your taffy Pulling your wire Pulling yourself up by your own bootstrap Pulpit the Penis! Pummel the Pontif Pummeling the priest Pump my fist to heaven PUMP THE POST Pump the Python Pump the stump Pumpin' the poodle Pumping cream Pumping For Pleasure Pumping For Power Pumping gas at the self-service island Pumping iron Pumping the electric goo gun Pumping the porpoise Pumping the python Pumping the soft soap dispenser Pumping the stump Punch the clown Punch the munchkin Punchin' The Clown Punchin' the midget Punchin' The Munchkin Punching the clown Punching the possum Punching the stepson Punching yourself in the crotch Punish Percy in your palm Punishing Percy Punishing Percy with the palm Punishing Pontius Punishing the bishop Punishing the Evil Merchant Punishing the Pope Punishing the priest purple helmeted warrior of love Puttin' the tie on Putting out the smudge stick ( new age) Putting your best foot forward Putting your foot down Putting your thumb in the porridge Qualifying in the testicular time trial Raining on your parade Raising Rasta Raising Stonehenge Raising the flag pole Raising the mainsail Raising your sail Ram the Ham Ramming the ham Rapid delivery Rapid one arm pull-ups Raping your hand Reading poetry Releasing the hostages Releasing the Olympic Doves Relieving tension Relishing your hot dog Reverse osmosis Ricky boxing Ride the Great White Knuckler Riding the five-legged pony Riding the Great White Knuckler Riding the lightning Ringing the bell Ringing the rag Ringing Your Neck Rippin' the rocket Rocket piloting Rockin' the rooster Roll your own Rolling it off the lot Rolling The Cigar Rolling The Fleshy Blunt Rolling the fleshy blunt Rolling your own Roman Helmet Rhumba Romancing the bone Romeo and Himself Rootin' for the Yankees Rope the Pony Ropin' the long horn Roping the pony Roping the Pope Roughing the passer Roughing up the Suspect Rounding Up the Tadpoles Routin' for the Yankees Rub off Rub One Out Rub the pink eraser Rub the Unicorn's Horn Rub Up Rub Out Rubbing Buddha's special belly Rubbing Buddha's tummy Rubbing off Rubbing one out Rubbing Peter to pay Paula Rubbing the Buddha for good luck Rubbing The Genie Bottle Rubbing the magic one-eyed wonder weasel Rubbing the pink eraser Rubbing the Rabbi Rubbing the rod Rubbing the unicorn's horn Rubbing the worry beads run for his money Run off a batch by hand Runka Runka Running in single-user mode Running off a batch by hand Running the cheeta Sacrifice sperm to the god of lonely nights Sacrificing sperm to the god of lonely nights Safest sex Sailing the Arc Sailing the mayonnaise seas Salting the communion wafer Salting your nuts in the shell Saluting the general Sampling the secret sauce Sand wood Sanding the main mast Sanding the obelisk Sanding wood Saying a private prayer in the Church of the First Holy Monkey Saying hello to Mr. Winkie Scalpin' the injun Scarring Ascarias Schnauzer Shuffleboard Scour the tower of power Scouring the tower of power Scraping the bottom of the barrel Scraping the carrot Scraping Your Carrot Scraping your horn Scratchin' the itch Scratching the cat pole Scratching the Itch Screwing your courage to the sticking place Screwing your girlfriend Handgella Scromping the camper Seamen reporting for duty on the skin boat Seasonin' Your Meat Secret handshake See Mrs. Palmer & Five Daughters Seeding the carpet Self abuse Self catering Self Love Self Service Self-induced penile regurgitation Self-inflicted intercourse Sending a boy to the Academy Sending out the Troops Sending the devil his due Sending yourself a hand-job-o-gram Sex with someone you really love Shagging Shake hands with Abe Lincoln Shake hands with the midget Shake hands with your John Thomas Shake hands with your wife's best friend Shake hands with Yul Brynner Shake the sauce Shake the sausage Shake the Snake Shakin' hands with Little Richard Shakin' the snot off your frog Shaking coconuts from the love tree Shaking Hands With Abe Lincoln Shaking hands with beef Shaking hands with Dr. Winky Shaking hands with Jack McNasty Shaking hands with Johnson Shaking hands with Mr. Happy Shaking Hands with Mr. President Shaking Hands With Shorty Shaking Hands With the Shaking hands with the boss Shaking hands with the general Shaking hands with the goblin of love Shaking Hands With the Governor Shaking hands with the midget Shaking hands with the one-eyed trouser trout Shaking hands with the President Shaking hands with the unemployed Shaking hands with your John Thomas Shaking hands with your wife's best friend Shaking hands with Yul Brenner Shaking the bottle Shaking the coconut milk of love from the leafless palm trunk Shaking the dice Shaking the hand of the self-employed Shaking the sauce Shaking the sausage Shaking the snake Shaking the sugar tree Shaking the white-out pen Shaking Your Trees Shanking Sharpening your pencil Shavin' the carrot Shellac the shillelagh Shellacking the shellaleigh Shemp the hog Shemping the hog Shifting Gears Shifting to fifth gear with the pork spear Shine Your Pole Shining The Helmet Shining the pork sword Shining the shaft Shining the shank Shining your pole Shinning Your Trophy Shlackin' the glacknoid Shoot for the moon Shoot the airplane Shootin' your splouge Shooting Cupid's arrow Shooting Enemies Shooting flies Shooting for the moon Shooting for the stars Shooting Putty at the Moon Shooting Sherman Shooting skeet (pull...shoot) Shooting tadpoles at the moon Shooting the pump action porridge gun Shooting the sherbert Shooting to score Shooting your wad Shooting yourself in the foot Shuck your corn Shuckin' Bubba Shucking the corn Siezing Ceasar Simple infanticide Singing with Donny Osmond Sizing things up Skipping rope Slack the Subgenius Slaking the bacon Slam the ham Slam the hammer Slam the salmon Slam the Spam Slammin' the Salami Slamming the hammer Slamming the salmon Slamming the spam Slamming the sump-pump Slap Boxing the One-Eyed Champ Slap high fives with Yul Brynner Slap it Slap My Happy Sacks Slap pappy Slap the carrot Slap the clown Slap the donkey Slap the purple-headed yogurt pistol Slap the Saint Slap the Salami Slap-Boxing the One-Eyed Champ Slappin' Pappy Slappin' the purple-headed yogurt pistol Slapping high fives with Yul Brynner Slapping it Slapping Johnny on the back Slapping my happy sacks Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man Slapping the carrot Slapping the Clown Slapping the clown Slapping the Cyclops Slapping the donkey Slapping the FleshGopher Slapping the meat Slapping the pud Slapping the salami Slapping your Chub Slaying the beast Slaying the dragon Sleeping Slicking the stick Slinging Jelly Slinging the jelly Slip the Shinto Slip the Shinto Sloppy Joe's Last Stand Sloppy Sign Language Smack the salami Smackin' Isaiah Smacking Bob around Smacking the monkey Smacking the oompa loompa Smacking the salami Smacking the snake Smacking the weasel Smacking the yak 'til it spits back Smacking your Sister Smacking-off Smite the dragon Smiting the pink knight Smoking the bratworst Snap the Monkey Snap the rubber Snap the Whip Snappin' off a batch Snapping one off Snapping the carrot Snapping the monkey Snapping the radish Snapping the rubber Snapping the whip Snapping your carrot Solitary sin, The Solo flight Solo marathon Solo sex Solo spurting Soup of the day Spackling the ceiling Spank Elvis Spank the bishop Spank the wank Spank your Monkey Spank your Monkey Spanking Cheetah Spanking Elvis Spanking Frank Spanking the bishop Spanking the frank Spanking the monkey Spanking the plank Spanking the rooster Spanking the salami Spanking the wank Spanking up a batch Speaking into the microphone Spear Chucking Spear chucking Spearing the Spartans Spending some quality time with yourself Spending your Christmas bonus Spermin' Herman the one-eyed German Spewing your load Spilling my children on my belly Spit-polishing the purple helmet Spit-shine the purple helmet Spitting up Splashing one out Spluging Splurtin' the spladder bladder Spreading the Mayo Spunk the monk Spunking Spunking the Monk Spurtin' Bert Squashing the sea monkey Squeeze the cheese Squeeze the Cream From the Squeeze the Cream From the Flesh Twinkie Squeeze the juice Squeeze the Lemon squeeze the lotion dispenser Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube Squeeze your cheese-dog Squeezing out vestral toothpaste Squeezing the Burrito Squeezing the Charmin Squeezing the cheese Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie Squeezing the glue Squeezing the happy lumberjack Squeezing the juice Squeezing the lemon Squeezing the snake with the turtleneck sweater squeezing the tomato Squeezing the Tube of Tooth Paste Squeezing the tube of toothpaste Squeezing the weasel Squeezing your cheese-dog Squirt Around Squirting off your load in the school bathroom Squishing the fish Staff Meeting Staining the robe of many colors Stall clapping Stall clapping Starting the day off right Stewing in your own juices Stinky pinky Stir the batter Stir the soup Stir the yogurt Stirring the batter Stirring the soup Stirring the yogurt Stoking the fire Strain the main vein Strainin' the main vein Straining your cabbage Strangle the Sacred Staff Strangling Kojak Strangling the hog Strangling the one-eyed trouser snake Strangling the Serpent Strangling the snake Strangling the Wonka Stress relief for a personal appendage Stretching the limo Stretching the truth Stretching the turtle neck Striking The Match Striking the pink match Striking your match Strip-mining with the spaghetti man Stripping the bark off your wood Stroke Stroke it Stroke Off Stroke the carrot Stroke the mole Stroke the one-eyed burping gecko Stroke the salami Stroke the satin-headed serpent Stroke the Stallion Stroke the steeple Stroke the steeple Stroke 'til you spew Stroke your poke Stroke your Twinkie Strokin' Strokin' the mule Strokin' the sausage Stroking it Stroking off Stroking the balony pony Stroking the dog Stroking the lizard Stroking the mole Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko stroking the salami Stroking the satin-headed serpent Stroking the snake Stroking the squirmin' German Stroking the stallion Stroking the wiener Stroking your Goat Stroking your goat Stroking your poker Stroking your pud Stroking your twinkie Stromming the Thurmond Strummin' my six inch Strumming the one-string harp Studying for a math test Succumb to the Sadist Sucker-punching the blind webster Sueeze one off Swickin' it Swinging the jump rope Swinging the light saber Swinging the purple-veined kidney stabber Swinging the royal red reproduction rod Tadpole rodeo, The Tagging off Take matters into your own hands Take part in population control Take the fifth Take the monster for a one-armed ride Takin' the bunt sign Taking a core sample Taking a few practice shots Taking a five minute vacation south of the border Taking a load off Taking a nap Taking a Shake Break Taking advantage of yourself Taking Captain Picard to Warp-Speed Taking care of business Taking control of yourself Taking Herman to the circus Taking little Elvis to Graceland Taking Little Johnny dancing down at Knuckle Junction Taking matters into your own hands Taking ol' one eye through the fly Taking ol' one eye to the Knuckle Shuffle Taking part in population control Taking some time off Taking the dog for a walk Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm Taking the monster for a one-armed ride Taking the sperm whale for a walk Taking your turn at the self-serve pump Talk quietly to yourself Talking quietly to yourself Talking turkey Tame the shrew Tame the wild hog Taming Goliath Taming of the shrew, The Taming the shrew Taming the wild hog Tamping your tater Tap the turkey Tapping the turkey Target practice Target practice with the yogurt gun Target practicing with white ammo Taunt the one-eyed weasel Taunting the one-eyed weasel Teaching a one-eyed Chinaman how to dance Teaching him a lesson Teaching the Cyclops the lambada Teaching your kids to swim Tease one out Tease the Python Tease the Weasle Teasing the purple-headed custard chucker Teasing the python Teasing the Viking Teasing the weasel Teasing the weenie Teeing off Tenderize the Meat Tenderize the tube steak Tenderizing your meat Tending to your own affairs Test your batteries Test-firing the meat missle Testicular tensile strength test Testicular Testament Testing the hand cream dispenser Testing the testament Testing the testicles Testing your batteries Tethering the blimp That crazy hand jive The Abysmal Baptismal The art of Unisex The Colonel Sanders Heimleich Maneuver The erky jerk The Erky Jerk The five digit disco The five-finger hustle with Russel the one-eyed love muscle The five-knuckle shuffle on the old piss pipe the old piss pipe The serta solo The Sticky Page Rhumba Thrapping Thrash your thing Thrashing the weasel Threading a Needle Throbbing the knob Throttle the bottle Throttle the theologian Throw off a Batch Throw off a catch Throwin' Down Throwing Throwing a shower Throwing off a batch Throwing one Throwing the hamster against the wall Throwing up mayo Throwing your hand on the bed and raping it Thump the pump Thump your thong Thumping the pump Thumping your pud Thwackin' the sack Tickle the Elmo Tickle the ivory Tickle the Pickle Tickle the taco Tickle your goodfoot Ticklewigglejigglepickle Tickling my fancy Tickling the dragon's tail Tickling the ivory Tickling the one-eyed weasel Tickling the pickle Tickling the Polish salmon tickling the turkey Tipping off the inspector Toilet sailing Tonking Torkin' the fork Torqueing the turtle Torturing the tentacle Toss off Toss the Boss Toss the midget Toss the snag Toss the Turkey Toss yogurt Tossing off Tossing Poseidon's Trident Tossing the boss Tossing the salad Tossing the sauce Tossing the snag Tossing the spam javelin Tossing the turkey Tossing the white ball Tossing yogurt Touch off a batch of orphans Touch the torah Touch the torah Touching the penis Training the Alter Boy Transubstantiate my tube-steak Treating yourself right Trolling for the one-eyed walleye Trolling for trouser trout Trouser snake CPR Trouser trout dancing lesson Tube sock tango Tug of war with Cyclops Tug the slug Tuggin' the timber Tugging Mount Love Tugging old beater Tugging the rope Tugging the slug Tugging the tapioca tube Tugging the tossle Tugging the tubesteak Tugging the turkey Tugging your Tapioka Tube Tugging your Toobsteak/Toobsnake Tugging your tubesteak Tuning my horn Tuning the Antenna Tuning your organ Turning Japanese (UK - one step beyond wanking) Turning Moses' staff back into a snake Turning on the ivory faucet Turning on your fire hose Turning water into wine Tussle with your muscle Tussling the Muscle Twang your wire Twanging the wire Tweak your Twinkie Tweek Twist your crank Twisting your crank Twisting your tool Typing with one hand Uncorking the bottle Uncorking the champagne Underarm javelin in the meat olympics Unemployed Unleashing the alabaster yak Unloading Unloading the gun Unmasking Darth Vader Unpacking the moving van Unsheathing the pork sword Unwapping the Pepperoni Unwrapping the pepperoni Using the Force on Darth Vader Using the force on your meat saber Using the ol' 1 wood Varnish the flagpole Varnishing the banister Varnishing the Cane Varnishing the flagpole Vibrating the viper and making him spit poison Vinegar stroke Violating the hedge-hog Violating Vishnu Visiting Old Faithful Visiting Rosy Palm and her five daughters Visiting the five-fingered widow Visiting with Papa Smurf Wacking a lap Wacking off Wacking the one-eyed worm Wacking the paddle Wacking the weasel Wacking the weiner Wacking the willie Wagging the dog Wailing wait for the posse to come Wake the dead Wakey wakey hands off snakey Waking the dead Waking up your bro Waking Wee Willie Winkle Walk the Dog Walk the plank Walking a mile in Mr. Wiggly's shoes Walking the dog Walking the plank Walking the snake Walking Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm Wallowing in self pity Waltzing with Willy Wang whacking Wank Wank off Wank the Willy Wonka Wank with the one-eyed wonder weasel Wanking Wanking off Wanking the crank Wanking with the one-eyed wonder weasel Wank-o-rama Warm up dinner for the altar boys Warming up the altar boy's dinner Warrior Wash the meat Washing the elephant's trunk Washing the meat Washing the wolverine Wasting your wad Watching the geyser Waving the Magic Wand Wax the Buick Wax the carrot Wax the dolphin Wax the Rod Wax your Jackson Wax your Weasel Wax your Willy Waxin' n' Milkin' Waxing Eve's Apple Waxing pedro Waxing the beanpole Waxing the car Waxing the carrot Waxing the Dolphin Waxing the flipper Waxing the old goal post Waxing the rocket Waxing your Jackson Waxing your surfboard Waxing your weasel Waxing your Willy Whack it Whack Off Whack the bag Whack the weasel Whack the Witness Whack Willy Whack your tack Whack Your Tack Whackin' the weasel Whacking it Whacking off Whacking the axe Whacking the weed Whacking Willy Whacking your tack Whapping your wang Whip the Birdie Whip the cummy Whip the Dummy Whip the one-eyed trouser snake Whip the one-eyed worm Whip the rat Whip the stiff Whip the wire Whip up some sour cream Whip your cripper Whip your dripper Whippin' the whopper Whipping off Whipping skippy Whipping the balls Whipping the bishop Whipping the dummy Whipping the One-Eyed Whipping the one-eyed trouser snake Whipping the one-eyed wonder weasel Whipping the pony Whipping the rat Whipping the stiff Whipping the walrus Whipping the window washer Whipping the wire Whipping up a batch Whipping up some sour cream Whipping Willy the one-eyed wonder-worm Whipping your dripper Whistle Dixie White Water Wristing Whitewashing Whitewashing with Huck and Tom White-water wristing Whittle the stick Whittling The stick Whittling Your Stick Whizzin' jism Whizzin' Jizz Whizzin' Jizzim Whomping the walrus Wiggling your walrus Wiggling your worm Willy tickle Winding my watch Winding the Jack In The Box Windsurf on Mount Baldy Windsurfing on Mount Baldy Wind-up The Toy Wing it Wonder Weasle Wonk your conker Wonking your conker Wonking your donk Work one out Work things out Workin' out a stiff joint Workin the Wise Man Workin the Wise Man Working a Cramp out of your Muscle Working at your own speed Working for the second coming Working late at the office Working off Working off a batch working out your problems Working overtime at the meat factory Working up a batch Working up a foamy lather Working without Annette Working your Willy Wrestle the dragon Wrestle the eel Wrestling Jimmy Wrestling the alligator Wrestling the bald-headed champ Wrestling the bald-headed sumo Wrestling the Eel Wrestling the gator Wrestling the one-eyed monster Wrestling the purple-headed warrior Wrestling with Jimmy Wrestling with the bald champ Wrestling with the one-eyed superhero Wring Out your Rope Wring Your Thing Wringing out your rope Wringing 'round the rosie Wringing the weasel Wringing your thing Wringing your weasel Wrist aerobics Yahtzee Yank my Doodle (It's a Dandy) Yank my doodle dandy Yank Off Yank the crank Yank the Yodle Yank the yo-yo Yank your Crank Yank your plank Yank your yam Yankin' it Yankin' your chain Yankin' your Franklin Yanking off Yanking the crank Yanking the doodle Yanking the yoyo Yanking Yahweh Yanking your chain Yanking your crank Yanking your plank Yanking your Yoda Yogurt slinging your bald pig Sally Zap the zoroastrian Zipper Olympics Zipper surfing Zygote spraying